i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He passed out mid-signature
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
