At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
