we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
