he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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