fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dicks are not precious.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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