I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
