I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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