So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
