Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
