Pappa wants mamma naked
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
