Welp...herpes.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
