I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
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