Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Randomize
