So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
