If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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