dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
