Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
