Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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