As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
