It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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