connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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