I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
