I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
ok first of all what the fuck
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
