FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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