Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
