Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
