I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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