Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
