i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
