it hurts more in the daytime
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
