Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
