you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
