Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
