god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
