As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
