my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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