My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
