If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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