I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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