So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
