It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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