weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
