Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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