Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The adults are the big ones right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
