Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
