So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
