I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
