I need to stop coming to work sober
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
