I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
