Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
